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בס"ד

 

KRONIKALS OF THE TIMES
“Megillah” of the Confederacy

Memphis, 1862

by A.E. Frankland

CHAPTER 1: Verse 1

Now it came to pass in the days of Abraham [Lincoln], King of the North, and David [Jefferson Davis], King of the South, who were mighty Kings and Rulers, and who were standing in battle array, one against the other, having slain each other's thousands and tens of thousands, that the King of the North, even Abraham, spake thus to his warriors, and those that were with him in council.

2.

Haste, prepare ye large arks, build them of gopher and other wood, and pitch them, within and without, with pitch, aye, even make them iron clads, the length of them two hundred cubits, the breadth forty cubits, and the depth twenty cubits.

3.

And you shall build them after the fashion of "rams" and shall make turrets to them, and they shall be as a wall of strength to thee, than which so mighty none has yet been seen; and the waters of the South shall teem with them. Aye, even King David of the south shall look with amazement and be awestricken.

4.

And when these arks are completed, ye shall embark in them, thou and thy kinsmen, and all others who will enlist and accept of my bounty, and thou shall descend the great river, even the Father of Waters, the Mississippi, and thou shalt capture and thou shalt conquer all the inhabitants of the South and of King David's dominions, inasmuch as they will not heed by voices, obey my commandments, and cease to rebel.

5.

For this people are a stiff-necked and rebellious one. They will not heed by mandates, nor proclamations, nor do they fear subjugation, confiscation, aye, verily, "emancipation"; in all of these several things, have I commanded them, saying:

6.

Because of your terrible iniquities and shortsightedness, you will not forsake your evil ways, neither will ye believe that it is good to be without "hewers of wood" and "drawers of water," and, further, ye cannot be convinced that the earth will bring forth cotton, rice, tobacco, sugar, and other good fruits without the aid of the descendants of Ham.

7.

Therefore, have I sent my arks with their warriors and terrible instruments of war, aye, even my "rams" which are "iron clad" with their turrets and extraordinary Columbiads, that ye may be awestricken, and the people shall know that I am Abraham, King of the North, I am he and none other.

8.

And lo and behold! On the sixth day of the sixth month, that the great armada [five ironclads and three unarmed Federal rams], even the entire fleet of arks, came down the great river, even as far as the goodly City of Memphis, which stands upon its banks, and there they met the powerful and mighty arks of King David of the South, aye, even the "rams" and the "tugs."

9.

Now did these two great warriors then and there behold each other in battle array, and immediately prepared to give each other battle. And the people arose from their couches and went forth to witness this great battle. Then commenced the mighty din, the fire flashed forth, the thunder roared from the mouths of the Columbiads and, verily, the arks of King David were demolished. They were "rammed" in and caved in, and in no time they were gone. And the people saw and believed. They bowed their heads and went each to their homes and habitations in silence and grief.

CHAPTER 2: V. 1

And it came to pass, while the inhabitants of this goodly city were yet in a state of bereavement, mourning the downfall of their greatness, and the lives of their many brave men that had perished by fire and flood, there came from the North another and a larger army, one that fought for far different principles and yet for their own interest. They were called merchants, but as they were of a swarthy hue, they were termed "Ravens," seeking those they might devour.

2.

For the roar of cannon still resounded in the ears of the inhabitants and the shrieks of the dying still was heard upon the "Bluffs"; yet onward they came until the entire land was filled with them. Now did the inhabitants come out to view them, and behold, the most of them were of the descendants of Israel and had come to trade. And the people were disgusted, and returned to their homes in fear and anger, and they spake one to the other and said, Behold! the blockade has been raised, and the Israelites of Cincinnati, which is a large place on the River Ohio, have come down upon us like an "avalanche," and will crush us out so that there will be neither name or remembrance of the merchant princes that once inhabited this vast domain.

3.

Now at this time, in the land of Memphis, there lived a man whose name was Simon (Tuska) [rabbi of Congregation Children of Israel], who was upright and pious, who feared God and eschewed evil. and this man was a quiet observer of morality and denounced vice and hypocrisy. And his people respected him and went to hear him preach.

4.

And when these things came to pass, this Simon also mingled with the people to learn their welfare and condition, and upon all sides did he hear sore lamentations and murmurings because of the haste of the sons of Israel to witness the downfall of those they had come among, and because, also, of their eagerness to mass gold from those that were grief-stricken on account of the misfortune to their country. And he bowed his head and was grief-stricken, and returned to his dwelling.

5.

Now it came to pass that upon the Sabbath day, this Simon went to the House of God, even the temple, and did then and there teach his congregation that "Truth and Righteousness" will triumph, "and ye shall serve God, and not Mammon." And he further spoke and said that they should not haste to see the downfall of their enemies, but should wait until his grief was calmed; and, further, that they should not exult in their misfortunes, as same was against the Law of God.

6.

And he explained them the law, even the Law of God, and the laws of the "Rabbis" who say: "From whence came ye, whither are ye going, and to whom must ye give and account of your transactions?" And he further said, after this fashion, "Why must ye ever entail prejudices upon yourselves by bringing to bear the envy and contempt of the nations of the earth? Have ye not suffered sufficiently? Must ye also be driven out of this land by the Gentiles, who may become infuriated against thee?" Thus did he speak and invoked to deeds of uprightness and goodness instead of thirst for gain and selfishness. And those that loved him bowed their heads and declared he had spoken truly, and went to their homes inspired with good and noble sentiments.

7.

Nevertheless, notwithstanding the preacher's words, there were those present (men of other countries) [the Northern states], who had not the fear of God before their eyes and could not "see it" from where they stood. Neither had they understanding, and they were sorely vexed against the preacher and turned away from the House of God, and sought to enflame the mind of their kindred who came also from foreign countries [the Northern states] and embitter their hearts against the preacher, to the end that he might be captured and thrust into a dungeon. But the works of the evil never prosper and they were frustrated.

8.

Yet these men of no understanding did further attempt in the wickedness of their hearts to culminate their sin by adding falsehood and promulgating same in "Holy Sinai" [among the Jews], notwithstanding it availed them naught; for the wise and good believed not, and the foolish and wicked, their testimony was nothing in Israel.

9.

And being thus doubly foiled, the goodly people of Memphis held aloof from them, neither did they break bread with them, but kept distant afar [from the Northern Jews].

CHAPTER 3: V. 1

Now this being the accepted time, the men from foreign countries that had come here to grow fat and rich upon the necessities of those that had sojourned here did engage in all sorts of mercantile pursuits. They brought with them the produce of their countries, also the fine goods of the East [New York], among which were the fine wools of Persia, of blue, crimson, and gold colors. Also linens of fine texture and, furthermore, the more substantial products of the great West, which are "corn, wine, and oil," and spices of various climes that had a savory odor, such as coffee, tea, etc., which the inhabitants of this city had been without for a time, owing to the blockade of King Abraham.

2.

And they said to the good people of Memphis: "Come! Buy from us! We came here for that purpose. We heard you were starving and we brought you something to eat. We knew you were thirsty, and we have the juice of the grape for you to drink. We further heard you were naked, and, like good Samaritans, have we brought you all qualities of goods, wool, linen, and cotton. Come and clothe yourselves. Also sandals for your feet, that ye may not go barefooted longer."

3.

"And we will take from you whatever you may have in exchange for our commodities, inasmuch as we know you Southern people are very proud, and will not accept anything from us without return. We will therefore take gold, silver, and precious stones, even paper money, commonly known as Tennessee funds [bank notes], and other bank bills that may be good and solvent, even those called greenbacks; only of the kind of money known as Confederate money or white paper we will not take, for same is an abomination in our sight. And on the day which we would take the same, we shall surely die, for thus sayeth the King and dictator that rules over us, and the foreign countries from which we come."

4.

And the people of the goodly City of Memphis did not buy from the traders, nor were they allured by the tempting baits set for them, but held themselves aloof, and did not patronize them, but on the contrary said unto them: "We neither sent for you, nor do we require your sympathy or your goods. All we want is, like our good King David, 'to be left alone'' and we will work our own redemption, unassisted by the rest of the world. We do not wish to associate with you." Nor did they invite them to their habitations, nor hold friendly intercourse with them. And they continued, as they were, strangers to each other.

5.

And when these things came to pass, the people from foreign countries held consultation together, and some of them returned to their homes with their various commodities and were fairly disgusted with the people of Memphis in their being so stiff-necked and shortsighted as not to see the friendship they professed for the Southern people. And they said: "Are we not also good southern men, and do we not also wish for King David's Kingdom of the south to have her rights and be recognized as an independent government? Only buy our wares that we have brought down here for you, and we are satisfied to return to our homes and remain there." But the people still declined, and these merchants returned to their homes with their wares, disgusted.

6.

But there were also those among them that had no homes to return to, men that never could make a living in the North, that never had a dollar except what they made traveling [peddling] through the South. These were the very worst. They were rank abolitionists, because they did not understand the institution [of slavery] like our brethren of the eastern states who first "sold" their slaves to us, and then went to work to "steal" them back. These men were not [be] thrown off. "They same to stay," as King Abraham had promised them from the commencement by his famous "proclamation," that "in ninety days shall this rebellion be crushed out, and the country shall be opened to you, and ye shall be satiated with the fruits of the South." And they said to the people: "Haste ye, rebels, and tarry not; give up your habitations and your storehouses, that we good loyal citizens of King Abraham's dominions may have possession and perform our duties accordingly." And they applied to the captain of the host [the military commander] to issue an edict in their behalf, which was done.

7.

And the "Powers that be" gave them possession [allowed the seizure] of the habitations of the people of Memphis, even also of their storehouses did they give them possession, and with their fixtures and appurtenances thereto, even the storehouse of our forefather, Isaac (Lehman), whom Samuel (Hesse) told he must see the government before he could take his property. Thus did they then become possessors of the inheritance of the good people of the City of Memphis, for according to an edict of the "Captain of Hosts," none were permitted to be merchants save and except those that had "eaten oats (taken the oath)."

8.

And thus did the merchants of foreign countries get possession of the palaces that abound in the great city of Memphis, and they heralded forth proclamations saying, We are "successors" of the merchant princes that had long departed, and retired further into the interior of the southern domain whither they had gone in fealty that they held to the Kingdom of David.

9.

And of the ancient Princes that had their local habitations in the good city of Memphis there remained but a few, and their names are Abraham (Seesel), Lazarre (Kremer), always near unto him, Joseph (Strauss) and his brother-in-law Isaac H. (Lehman), Moses (Simon), Leopold his scribe [clerk] (Oppenheimer), Baruch (Walker) and his two brothers, Jacob and William, their scribe Gabriel (Judah), Theobald (Foltz), Leon (Helman), the scribe of Joseph and Isaac, Nathan (Greenwald), and one Ephraim [Frankland] (the writer of these chronicles), who was continually reprimanding his neighbors for fun, and yet they all dwelt together in harmony.

CHAPTER 4. V. 1

And thus matters continued, and after a time larger hosts congregated upon the Bluffs and large numbers of warriors [Federal troops] assembled here to maintain the "ensign" that now floated over the city. And the fruits of the bush that grows only in the gardens of the south and which is called by some "King Cotton," by others, Baum Woll. These things pleased the eye of the foreigners, and it was eagerly sought after. And the foreigners purchased same with virgin gold to send home to their countries, for it had been long since the inhabitants of the North had seen the snowflake. It had got so rare at one time as to bring in more than its weight in gold, having risen to one hundred and eighty-five shekels.

2.

Now, it came to pass that in these days "there were giants upon the earth," and their tribe was "so-called gorillas" [guerrillas]. And this tribe was charged by King David of the South to burn and destroy the "staple" lest peradventure it might fall into the hands of the enemies of King David, who sought by the instrumentality of King Cotton to obtain recognition (fatal delusion), by the great foreign powers of the East, West, and even the North, of his right to govern his domain of the South as he had been elected by the people of same to do, just as other powers govern their domain.

3.

And, at this time, the foreign speculators came down here like an avalanche to obtain the staple, and the land was teeming with them. From the commanding general of armies to camp followers, all had gone crazy on the cotton speculation, and none could be seen but them. And they purchased same from all that they came in contact with, from the planter, overseer, warrior, aye, even from the "descendants of Ham" who had broken the commandments, and had "stolen" same out of the garden of his "master." But we can scarce blame the Ethiopian for this, when they imbibed the example from their "white friend" who came to give them liberty, and lay down his life in freeing the slave, and "pressing" [confiscating] the "master's" cotton. Such examples of heroic humanity and unexampled honesty were scarcely equaled by "Ali Baba" and his forty thieves. But still everybody might be seen with cotton. They packed same on chariots drawn by horses and asses. They carried same on their backs, and the speculators went from house to house to buy the beds that the people slept on, aye, even those that people died on; it made no difference, so it was cotton! cotton! cotton!

4.

Now it happened that the ancient princes who were left in the city viz., Moses [Simon], Nathan [Greenwald], Baruch [Walker], and his two brothers, held a consultation together and spake to each other after their fashion, saying: "Behold, the inhabitants of foreign countries has come down upon us in a swarm, and have multiplied to so great an extent so that the entire South is filled with them. And they have left us nothing to do. Now, therefore, we have much gold, silver, and bank bills, and further, we are well acquainted in the country in which the cotton abounds, having sojourned there part of our lifetime. Let us make joint capital, go out and buy the staple, so that we may make a support for our wives and little ones."

5.

And they consented, and they thus counseled with each other, and Nathan said to Moses and Baruch and his two brothers, "I will go out, and do thou send Leopold [Oppenheimer] of the tribe of Moses and Gabriel [Judah] of the tribe of Baruch." And they said, "Yes, thus shall it be as thou hast said it." And they went forth, each of them, as they had counseled, and they were prosperous and successful, and they bought with their own money many bags of the precious fruit, and they had same conveyed in large arks to the great city of the East, even the City of New York.

6.

And it came to pass after many days that Nathan having gone to a place where he had resided for a long time, even the City of Brownsville [Tennessee], and Nathan had many friends residing there, and he purchased from his friends much cotton, and he had no earthly fears of being disturbed, when lo and behold! the giants or guerrillas, so-called, fell upon the town and destroyed many bales of cotton, as was their custom. And they even fell upon Nathan and led him captive to the South, even unto the great warrior, known at that time as "King Jeff" (Thompson), and he was placed before the warrior, and the guerrillas laid their charge against Nathan, and King Jeff asked: "Is this all?" and they replied, "He is a cotton speculator, this is all." And "Jeff" discharged Nathan and gave him back all his treasure, even his gold, silver, and bank bills, and sent him on his way, rejoicing that he had been taken before so brave a captain, and one so honest as to return him his treasure entire.

7.

Now after this Nathan returned to his home, his family, and his kindred, who were grief-stricken at his capture, thinking, because he had transgressed the edicts of King David in buying cotton, he might be punished severely. Hence his friends rejoiced exceedingly at his return, for Nathan was always much loved by all who knew him. He therefore published a proclamation to the world wherein he returned thanks to the warriors of King David's domain for the kind hospitality extended to him while in their charge, and the honorable and straightforward manner he had been treated by them. Nathan afterwards made many more trips and was unusually successful, and was never more molested by anyone.

CHAPTER 5. V. 1

Now it came to pass that Joseph (Strauss) and Isaac H. [Lehman], his brother-in-law, who had long held aloof from any transactions with the foreigners, nor had they speculated in cotton, alias Baum Woll, at last conceived the idea that they must do something too, and they reasoned one with the other as follows: We have large amounts of treasure buried in our vaults, laying idle; and we have much standing out due to us by the inhabitants of King David's domain. And, if the South be crushed, we could not collect the same, and thus we would have to pay the treasure we now have to the merchant princes of the East [to] whom we are justly indebted. We will therefore also turn Baum Woll Hendlers (cotton speculators). "Therefore," said Joseph, "do thou, Isaac, go forth and take with thee as an assistant our former scribe, even Leon (Hellman), who is an upright and honest man, who has served us faithfully for years, and we desire to see him fruitful and multiply. Take him and treasure, as much as thou wilt, and go forth into the land that I shall tell thee."

2.

Thus did Isaac [Lehman] and Leon [Hellman] arise and left their homes, their families, and kindred, and they came to the place that Joseph had directed them and encamped there. and they went out day by day and purchased much cotton and were very prosperous. and they placed same in arks and sent same to the great city, even the City of New York, as many others had done before them, as there it commanded a better price and was much safer than any other place.

3.

While they were yet absent, and not having time to send a record of their transactions to Joseph [Strauss], who, of course, had remained at home, some evil-minded person, not having the fear of God before his eyes, and wishing to frighten Joseph because he had become a speculator (whereas, previously, he had denounced all those that were engaged in the business), related to Joseph thusly: "Whereas, while Isaac and Leon were on their way, attending to their duties, an unruly host of horsemen (known as Confederate cavalry) had come upon them and captured them with all their treasure, and I alone escaped and fled hither to tell thee."

While he was yet speaking, another messenger appeared and said: "Behold, I have just come from the place where thy kinsman, Isaac, and Leopold [Leon Hellman] were captured, and all the Baum Woll (cotton) thy kinsmen purchased was pressed [confiscated] by the warriors of Abraham, King of the North, for the purpose of making fortifications, and I alone escaped to tell thee."

4.

And Joseph turned pale and waxed in anger until he became sick, and he went home, took off his garments, and went to his couch, for he felt sorely grieved at the news he had heard, and felt extremely anxious for the safety of his kinsmen, that he had set forth, but also for the treasure they had taken with them.

5.

And he could not rest at home, sick at heart as he was. He came to the bazaar [store] of Ephraim (the writer) and he buttoned and unbuttoned his vest and cried aloud to Ephraim: "Ah! Woe is me! Woe is me! (Ach vay iz meer, ach vay iz meer). Oh, that I had followed your advice and had not gone into the cotton speculation! then my kinsmen would have been safe and my Gelt ['money'] also."

6.

And Ephraim (who was a sort of Job's comforter) consoled him and said: "Joseph, Joseph! Be not cast down. All will yet be well. Thy kinsman, Isaac Hirsh (Lehman) and Leon [Hellman], will surely return, and if thy treasure should be lost, it will serve thee perfectly right, for I warned thee, and told thee not to become a Baum Woll handler (cotton speculator). And even thou, thyself, didst condemn others for so doing, calling it an unlawful practice. Now if these reports be true, thou art severely punished, and I again tell thee, it served thou right."

7.

While Ephraim was thus consoling with Joseph, a messenger arrived, bringing with him a record of the proceedings of Isaac and Leon, in which was narrated their great success; all was well with them. They had not been made captives by the so-called Confederacy, neither had they lost their treasure, and but a few bags of their cotton had been taken by Abraham, King of the North, to build fortifications with, and the same would be returned to them in the fullness of time, which was eventually done.

8.

Now Joseph rejoiced mightily at this good news, became quite well again; him and Ephraim partook of "Lager [beer] and Schweitzer [cheese]" to their hearts' content (rather an unusual thing for Joseph), and all was well with them for many, many days.

CHAPTER 6: V. 1

And it came to pass in the course of human events that the merchant princes that remained in the city, and also that had returned from the Southern dominions, came together at the mansion of our forefather, Joseph [Strauss], and did recount to each other the many trials and tribulations they had undergone under the reign of King David of the South, of the many hairbreadth escaped they had by flood and field, how they had escaped the militia and home guards, also the fortunes they had made in the disposition of their wares.

2.

First Samuel (Hesse) spake and said that he hoped the Lord would forgive him for leaving his home [Memphis], the land of his adoption, also the place where he had amassed his wealth, upon the eve of the Day of Atonement, and had fled in fear and trembling, with his wife upon his back, into the good City of Louisville, there to partake of the artesian waters, as 'twas said his wife's health required same. But at the same time, it was thought by many that he only left to adopt their plan, which was to remove his treasure of gold, silver, bank bills, and other valuables to a place of safety, viz., Cincinnati, and not on account of his wife's health. Nor was he so awestricken on account of his own safety, as Samuel's size would have held him free from all contact with the warriors that came here.

3.

Next came Solomon the "Wise" (Milius), who recounted the many hours of fear and trembling that had seized him, and the numerous changes of garments he had made on account of evacuations of troops from different places, how his good white sugar had been seized, and his bed tick shirts left on his hands, which Samuel [Hesse], his friend, did not at all like; and, further, how the Patriarch, Isaac (Lehman), had denounced him as a shipping agent for consigning each male member of his family to other regions, say Cincinnati, in order to keep them out of the Southern army. But Solomon should not have been blamed for this, for he was a man that loved peace and pursued it. He meant well to all and would have liked to have seen both sides win.

4.

And also Abraham, the farsighted (Seesel), and Moses, the influential (Simon), they also recounted how they had hid, stored, secreted, and shipped their surplus wares and merchandise, for their coffers were already loaded down with these valuables, such as gold, silver, and bank bills, but also with "Weiss Papier" ["white paper"], alias Confederate money. And they did not wish to accumulate any more; not that they had lost confidence in same, oh, no! God forbid! But they had no place to stack it, such immense cords had they. And thus did these two great princes recount.

5.

Abraham [Seesel] and Moses [Simon] piqued each other on the accumulation of their gold first, then sterling exchange, next Louisiana currency came into play, then the Baum Woll (cotton), then sugar and syrups which had to be removed frequently from the Argus eyes of the rulers (here Abraham rather got the advantage of Moses and his compeers as he purchased his "sweetness" in New Orleans), that governed at that time. Now all the first mentioned valuables being absorbed, and the three latter not very reliable, they had recourse to other articles such as elegant diamonds, pearls, rubies, and other precious stones, gold and silver watches, then Southern Currency, and last, as a "dernier resorte", Tennessee money. In all of these transmorgrifications, poor "White Paper" stood the test of the dissecting knife into its very hearts, vitals, and until everything had completely "played out." Many, very many other things were discussed by Abraham [Seesel], the farsighted, which, as they did not reflect very brightly upon him, the historian would fain leave out at this time.

6.

Thus these discussions continued until crimination and recrimination seemed the order of the day. And much was said that these princes would not like to hear repeated to them, even at this day. But the Lazarite (Kremer) and the Ephraimite (the writer) listened with perfect indifference, for not being merchant princes, we had no share in the speculation. Poor were we when it started, and poorer still at its close, so that we could look on and listen without being the least afraid of having our feelings hurt. And this we did until called on by the patriarch Joseph to take some refreshments and present some articles of silver to the preacher Simon [Tuska], which was accordingly done, and then each repaired to his own habitation.

7.

Were the historian to recite the many and various schemes perfected during the war by the merchant princes, they would seem herculaneous. But the writer is satisfied that the schemes of our Southern princes were as naught compared with the stupendous and gigantic ones of the people of the North. To speak poetically, they could beat the southern merchant princes all hollow in their schemes, and, what is still better, they held what they got, for their currency was always good. and altho gold went one time three for one, it made but little difference. It soon found its level, and thus we leave this matter to take up the next for consideration.

CHAPTER 7: V.1

Now it came to pass that among the "Loyal Foreigners" that came here from the North to "stay," and had become successors to our Merchant Princes by their own assumption of title, namely, Alexander the Great (Milius' relation, the Rheumatic Doctor), the "Rose in Bloom" (Solomon Rose), Weiler the Schwartze ["Blackie"], Strauss & Pritz, and various others of the good loyal citizens' tribe were captured and thrust into a loathsome dungeon (which will be remembered in history as the Irving Block), simply because some "spies" or detectives of King Abraham's dominion had sworn that they, the loyal citizens of the North, had sold for money goods and wares of a contraband nature to some of the emissaries of King David's domain, known under the cognomen of "Smugs" [smugglers].

2.

And their bazaars and storehouses were closed up and placed under the charge of a guard, who could be seen daily pacing up and down to the tune of "Tramp! Tramp! the Boys Are Marching," which some evil-minded person translated thus: Tramp! tramp! the "schowra [the shkhorah; the "merchandise"] is declining," that is, the goods inside are growing less. Well, these bazaars being closed, and their proprietors in prison through the intercession of that great Gannov ["thief"] Cleveland, and they, the trooly loyal, were heart-stricken, and they pined for their freedom, which was an imaginary idea that had suddenly wafted away. And they gave up and threw up much gold, silver, and bank bills in order to get out. Then they made another discovery, that the "liberty of speech and freedom of action" was not so powerful a matter in reality in the great United States as it had been pictured in days gone by (oalev hasholom) ["may it rest in peace"], and they were still kept in confinement, and could not get a trial until their pile had sure enough gone down. And being so seriously lightened and scarce anything more left, they finally got out on bail, but on entering their respective bazaars, they found most all their fine goods gone. So they quit and returned to Cincinnati, heartsick and sorely tried, for although they were successors, they had succeeded in nothing that was good.

3.

And it came to pass that the remainder of the "trooly loyal" merchant princes became sorely alarmed at the turn things had taken, and every description they made of their goods to a customer, the Irving Block would loom up before them, and their vision was thoroughly obscured by this frightful Bastille. The days of the Inquisition in Spain were not more terrible to the people than the Northern military rule in the south. Each sunrise brought forth "fresh orders," and each order had "fresh restrictions," until the Irving Block became notorious, for daily it received "fresh fish." Even that was the "cry" when the writer of this got in there, for he got his share, which shall be truthfully recounted elsewhere in order not to interrupt the regular routine of this narrative.

4.

And Alexander (Milius' relative) the Great, who was a poet and a doctor for the "Rheumatism," perpetrated the following on being asked his opinion of Detective Cleveland:

"Splitwood.--a mees ha mashin-ah on him be-tsay-tsay-cha u-vow-ay-cha by-shoch bi-cha u-vy-koo-may-cho may-atto vy-ad ow-lom ah-men! Which being literally translated means: "A sudden death on Cleveland when he goeth out, cometh in, layeth down, or riseth up, for ever and ever, Amen!"

5.

Now all the foreign trooly loyal that "came here to stay" and ridiculed the Johnny Rebs so much, they also had their hands full as well as their storehouses. Their great love of the Union had eked out considerably when their trade permits were curtailed a little and the Bastille loomed up in the distance. I will make no record of some of the transactions "called mercantile" played upon the poor Goyim ["non-Jews"]. We will draw a curtain on these small transactions and let them remain where they deserve to be, in obscurity.

6.

We now come to a verse in the history of some of the ancient princes, the so-called "old residents," the southern fire-eater and blatant Secessionist who were so loud mouthed in their extreme Southern views but always evaded throwing a dollar up on the cause. this class indeed would as freely part with a dollar as they would with their life. Amongst these and the foremost amongst these was Abraham the farsighted (Seesel), he being the first to "eat the oats," take the Oath, as he saw from his farsightedness that the lost cause was lost and there could be no more money made out of that. So he took the oath in order to sell a "whoop skirt," he being death on hoops [overstocked in dry goods], especially in a Mercer-nary point of view. and there were divers other little mishaps set down to the "immortal Abe" and many moving accidents in the transit of sugar, molasses, and Baum Woll in the so-called Gadol Hamokowm, the great City called New York, which the historian will write more about at a future time.

7.

But lo and behold! what means this wholesale closing of bazaars? A long pull, a strong pull, and a pull altogether, for there is an entire square closed. these and similar were the exclamations made by the people upon beholding the same. First, the very reverend priesthood was observed to be closed. the "Monks" (Menkens) of Stanwood Hall and Julian's fame," the immortal monks who had been the head and front of "Pope's romances" on land and field, whose headquarters were always in the saddle, that is, ready to run when danger appeared, notwithstanding the fuss and "feathers" they paraded in a magazine wherein their deeds of valor were enumerated at twenty cents a line, and which they ran about the streets to show their friends, who might have otherwise continued in ignorance of their mighty "deeds of valor." Yet, these same Monks, who were really cosmopolitan, having a residence for convenience sake in every city in the known world, and who, had they had but one more brother whose intelligence was equaled by theirs, would have thrown the redoubtable "Stewart" away in the shade of oblivion. Well, these Monks also had their bazaar of novelties closed, and in commemoration of their military genius had services to their country, a guard was placed in front of their doors, who tramped daily up and down ostensibly to give the stock keeper inside facilities to make room for "ten cases more prints" that were now coming in, and which were then turning the "corner." Altho the Monks of Stanwood House heard there was hard times in Memphis, but their wealth was of such magnitude that they could not possibly feel it. still, notwithstanding all this, they were charged with defrauding the revenue laws of the government, and their places of business closed. Who would have thought such wealthy people would act thus? asked the populace. That's the way these wealthy people become so, replied a fool. Who ever knew a man to get rich by being honest? And many other remarks were made against the Monk family. But we have nothing to do with that, so we let it pass.

8.

Next unto the Monks was "David" (Mack) who slew "Goliath", that is, so to speak. David was strongly fortified. He said but little, but did much. When the "Unclean," Stinking, "Generallissimo," U.S. Grant issued his infamous order No. 11 expelling all Jews from his department, David, who was in partnership with U.S. Grant's father, Jesse, in the cotton business (altho the press of the country everywhere have accused Jesse Grant of stealing, instead of buying, cotton), as soon as U.S.G. issued his order, our friend David received his exemption papers. Now the historian does not think he done much by getting his exemption from being a Jew. The Jews as a class without exemption are fully as good if not better than he is. but that matters but little. The Jews as a class, through their Sanhedrin Isaac Mayer Wise, had the order revoked, but 'twas a long time before David with his exemption papers got the order revoked whereby his store was closed for defrauding the revenue laws. However, after spending much treasure and endless lawsuits, the bazaar was again opened, and little Mackey was again permitted to become a Jew again and play solo with them.

9.

Next to David in the row came Abraham, the farsighted (Seesel). Notwithstanding his double-eyed visage, he was always in trouble. First one thing, then another, and singularly, too, for he claimed to be a God-fearing, religious man, one who once took a solemn oath in a public assembly that he would always keep the Sabbath. And so he did in Confederate times (in order to keep from taking in the money). But now, alas, that the truth must be told, he had taken the oath immediately upon the arrival of the Federal army and opened his back door, open on the Sabbath. (Not to sell anything, you know. God forbid! Far from it! But just so that the air might circulate through the store.) He was also closed up in the grand array, and after his trial and release, he got a fiery, untamed steed, and in order to feed same, at little expense, and not take anything away from his half-fed family at home (for his own children said they never had enough to eat at home), he committed perjury by violating his oath and also the Sabbath, and opened his front doors also. Oh shame, where is thy blush? And thus we dismiss him.

10.

The next parties were Abraham and David of the "Harrisonian" School, which, like the men, are no earthly account, as they never were anything. We cannot throw ink away upon them, by giving them what they never will have -- a standing among respectable men. so we part from them without regret.

11.

The last in this great quintet are Jacob, the Beauty, Morris, the "high life," David, the Demosthenes, and Henry, the Shakespeare, all of the nineteenth century, and though all of these may be very high in wood designs, they are nevertheless low-in-stone. These completed the number of those that were closed up at that time, and take them all in all, a fine party of gentlemen they were, but they made common cause of a common quarrel and endeavored to get out. Just three moons came and went. all their bazaars were kept closed under guard. For what? Just think of it. Only for receiving more goods than their permit called for, and all good, loyal citizens of the North at that, who despised the Rebels, but not the Rebels' wealth. Hic jacet gloria mundi. But after a time, all were opened again. It cost a pile of money, but that was nothing. Money and character amounted to but very little, when anything was to be accomplished with those that represented the best government ever seen on earth. Bosh! Bosh!

CHAPTER 8: V. 1

Now it came to pass in the fullness of time, while these things were transpiring that are laid down in the preceding chapters, that our own friends, the Mighty Benjamin (Warner), he who warnered everybody of coming evil, fell into the hands of the Philistines, and in his company was that growling Levite who "Seche"-ayed his company at his mansion and fed them the good things of life. These Samaritans having received sad tidings of the distresses of their brethren below, determined to start a caravan for the desert.

2.

But in order to do right, as they were moral, upright men, they purchased permission to do so from one Bunce, who was Cousin germane to the great ruler, General Stephen A. Hurlbut. And they went out and made their purchases, and they sent them to the bazaar of Ephraim [Frankland], and they equipped their caravan at the Ephraimite's tent, who was exceedingly cautious of all he done. And they exhibited to the Ephraimite their papers giving them privilege, all properly signed by that great ruler who should have been hurled [Hurlbut!] (to the devil) but was not. And thus they started, as they thought, in all innocence, properly healed and fixed, and had bright dreams before them of colossal fortunes made in the twinkling of an eye, as laid down in the Arabian Nights. but alas! for human shortsightedness.

3.

For they were journeying along slowly on their way and had passed the first lines of Maj. Gen. George E. Pickett, little imagining any treachery or evil, knowing that their papers were all right. They were cut off in the brilliancy of their dreams by a halt from the Gannov Cleveland in company with the "Boys in Blue." and they turned the Camels' heads around in the direction from whence they came, and not in the way they were going, and they brought the caravan and the goods to the bazaar of the Ephraimite. And Benjamin and the Levite, they conveyed to the hulk of the prison ship, where they were placed in state with bracelets around their wrists and anklets around their feet, and, in order to embellish them still more, a long guard chain. Now while they enjoyed this attention, which was decidedly polished, still too much confining for our mutual friends.

4.

Now had our friends, who were staunch Southern men, done anything wrong, or committed any act against the government of the United States, their punishment would not have been too great because they were not "loyalists." But they had committed no crime. They had purchased the right with their wealth to carry out the goods they took from the commanding general, but the detective [Cleveland] was not purchased, and as the general would not divide with him, the detective made the arrest on his own hook. And the general, to clear his own skirts, had to condemn innocent parties to the prison ship in order to save himself. a great government, truly, that had such great generals. But thus we go.

5.

Now a great hue and cry was made in behalf of the Benjaminite, who had strong friends at court. Gen. James C. Veatch [civil commissioner] could not show their hands at the time. There was the scheming and honest Kooney (Marks Kuhn) and the intrepid and clever Hactor man called Lou (the Leubrie boy). they visited the prisoners continually, brought them changes of linen and food of all kinds, and whispered in foreign tongues messages to them; and, in fact, they became pages to these illustrious princes and nobly did they perform their tasks by day and night. And they had proclamations, petitions, and appeals written to the rulers of the land, until finally they were released from the hulk of the prison ship, their ornaments cast off, and remanded to that hospitable mansion, the Irving Block, which in itself was a great relief to them, distressed in mind, torn from their families, and treated worse than the greatest criminal on earth could be dealt with. But even this had a change, as we shall read in the next verse.

6.

And it came to pass, after many days, weeks, and months' sojourn in the "Hotel de Irving," where our friends were now treated like princes (for their money), that they finally had a trial before that great and august tribunal, that great arbitrator of justice, the Civil Commission, and they were acquitted of the charges, through their being charged all they had. And they really felt so delighted to be free once more that they could scarce contain themselves. But they suffered in the flesh. It would be a Herculean task for the writer to reduce to writing. 'Twould be too much labor, to say nothing of the expense for paper. As Bruder Warner expresses, seven thousand reams of paper would not hold it. 'Tis true, the trials, sufferings, and afflictions they suffered, and the indignities they endured, no pen sketch can do justice to; but all those who may wish to hear same, call on Bruder Benjamin himself, and they can have the whole of same beautifully illustrated and embellished over a bottle of krug without expense.

7.

But all these trials and afflictions that they suffered had a salutary effect upon them, like Joseph, who was cast into prison (because he would not take what wasn't his'n) by Potiphar's wife, and who afterwards found great favor with the King of Egypt; so also our Benjaminite and Levite the same. They found great favor in the eyes of those that had inflicted punishment on them, and became great favorites with the powers that be, this being of vast importance and great service to this community in saving many a one from the vile prison houses, and some even after they had been sentenced to death. The writer has gone with the Doctor to get poor Yehudim out of the Stockade in Fort Pickering, and the Doctor invariably succeeded in all he went to perform. and thus he continued to do, for he stuck to Veatch like a leech.

8.

And, after these exploits, they worked each with the other and endeavored to do as others had done, amass a fortune. so it was said, but as the writer of this never counted or weighed their coin, he cannot at this time of writing vouch for the truth of the report, and therefore it must be taken with all due allowances for all it is worth.

9.

As to the other characters that figure in this chapter, a passing remark is due, and first to "Koony" [Marks Kuhn], who got up a little innocent skirmish on his own account in the shape of smuggling Columbiads and canonical and spherical shells through the lines to David, King of the south. At least so "Kooney" said, and as Kooney never "departed" from the truth, his word was law. so a lady friend of his once said to me of "Richardson" memory, "They may say what they like about Kooney, but I will go my last dollar on him to get him." and, to my knowledge, Annie kept her word; for she got him out, fed and took care of him while in prison, and was a friend in need, which is a friend in deed. He still clings to his old patron and friend, the Doctor. May their shadows never be less.

10.

The Leubrie boy, tired of dancing attendance on others, quit the ranch and also set up a little job for himself, accumulated quite a small fortune, and then went into partnership with one whose "beatitude" of fancy (Beattus) was that he had to beg for all the goods he got. He done like the children do after the vermifuge lozenges. He bought all the goods he could for his money and then cried for more. They made a fortune in their business, and then, like another man I know, they lost it again. But the Leubrie boy still swims, is on the highway to fortune again unless all ends in "smoke" of cigars. and thus we close the history of the Benjaminite, the Levite, the Kooneyite, and the Leubrieite.

CHAPTER 9: V. 1

Now it came to pass in process of time that many wonderful things had transpired undreamt of in the philosophy of many. And the land teemed with so many startling reports that none were startled at anything that took place. It seemed to all, no matter how stupendous and terrible the act committed, a foregone conclusion. Men were arrested and thrown into dungeons upon the most trivial charge, many times because the general in command wished to obtain possession of the man's wife. Having him in prison on some pretext, the wife would be sure to sue the general for his release. Her honor was made the passport to his prison. So in trade permits, women whose husbands were outside the lines sold their favors for permits to take out articles they wanted. The Christian Sabbath was not even respected by them [the Union Generals], they making people, families, move out of their houses on Sunday, just because they took a notion that their headquarters would be on a grander scale. And a thousand other arbitrary acts were committed all in the name of the best government the world ever saw.

2.

Thus continual changes were taking place until there was "no change" left in any body, at least none in the pockets of the writer. And matters ebbed and flowed with fluctuating success to that class of merchants known as "Smugs," who ran many risks of confiscation and Irving-Block-action, that a continual alarm was manifested by everyone, and business entirely suspended. "Lines open at nine o'clock, closed again at ten." Of course, those that had permits went out, were seized, thrown into Bastille, and goods confiscated on some pretense or other until most all had paid their homage to the Bastille, with but few, very few, exceptions. Among the latter was Ephraim, who kept the bazaar.

3.

Now it came to pass that an old, hoaryheaded man who hailed from Mobile came unto the City of Memphis and stored his effects with the Ephraimite. And it appears this aged individual also belonged to the tribe of "Smugs," and some of his partners who had something the "mayer" [matter] with them (Elias), whom the old man would not pay the "price of the permit," lodged information against him to the powers that was, that he was a "Smug" and had his valuables at the store of the Ephraimite, and they should go there and seize them.

4.

But before the "sharks" were prepared to swallow his body by getting on his track, he having received timely information, he took his wares away from the bazaar of the Ephraimite and deposited them elsewhere, outside of the reach of the "Moneyites" [those who sought graft], and likewise took himself away and he was not, for strict search had been made, and none could find him. and many others were arrested, being mistook for him, and thrust in the Hotel du Irving as many other "fresh fish" who had been caught before.

5.

Now lo and behold! It was the Sabbath day of the Hebrews, a day always religiously observed by the Ephraimite, who, being a Jew by birth and education, not only believed in same, but practiced same in letter as well as spirit. and Ephraim at this time was King of the Jews [president of Congregation Children of Israel] at this principality, and was at the temple at worship, as was his custom. And while offering up his prayers to Deity, he was ruthlessly disturbed by two "gentlemen in blue" accompanied by a "Moneyite," who came to the doors of the temple and requested his presence there and then to be and appear before the grand commander Hurlbut. Of course, no choice was left him. Have him they would, and have him they did. And therefore he gracefully accompanied them to headquarters.

6.

And they escorted him to the headquarters of "Ye mighty and terrible General S.A. Hurlbut," but he was absent, and none to represent him save his "Captain Bloodthirsty," as he was termed (W.H. Thurston). And he accosted the writer in the following elegant language: "Dog of a Jew, we have found thee in church. Tell me where the other old Jew is, who you helped to hide away from us, or I will throw you in the Block instantly."

And Ephraim looked him straight in the eyes. He saw at once who he had to deal with. His chances were fixed, so he made a virtue from a necessity, and he answered him calmly: "I am no dog or I would bark like you. Neither do I know anything of any old Jew. I have hid nobody nor myself either. I am a Jew and that is more than you are a Christian."

7.

Now the face of this bloodthirsty man waxed pale with anger, and he cried out to his satraps: "Take him to the Block. Let him rot there." And as he thus spoke, the General, the mighty one, even Hurlbut, came in and he inquired the cause of this alarm and was informed. And General Hurlbut very calmly asked me to be seated, called me by name, told me many acts of mine done during the days of the Confederacy while on special business for General Pillow, Polk, and Villepigue. Also complained that I had used treasonable and seditious language against the U.S. Government in that I had said to a particular friend of his (Abraham Strauss of Cincinnati, I think) "that if the war had not been carried on to give the military a chance to steal everything in the South but the land, it could have been brought to a close long ago." All these things being true, of course, I could not dispute them, as he was well and authoritatively posted. He then asked me had I taken the oath. I answered: "No, I have not!" "Why not?" said he. "Because I have brothers and other relations in the Southern army, a business partner, a prisoner at Johnson's Island (Lake Erie), and I cannot take the oath conscientiously." "Reflect a little," said he. I did reflect. I thought of home, wife, and children on one side, and the Block on the other, and then again told the general I could not take the oath and keep it conscientiously. "Orderly," said he, "take him to the Block and he will have more time for reflection." So I accordingly went to the Block, because I could not help myself.

8.

Now there arose a great hue and cry in the land. The Ephraimite is captured and is thrust in the Block. The Israelites ran about "fearfully" and other friends who done little talking but a good deal of working. "Who put him in?" said one. "General Thurston!" "Who will bring him hither?" "H.M. Lusher." But he pined all the Sabbath day in solitude, and as night came on, and thought of his nice clean couch at home and compared it with the filthy bunk presented to him here, he felt miserable indeed. but his friends did not forsake him, for an Ox (Julius Ochs) sent him a cot and mattress, the Warnerite, whiskey and cigars, the Levite, meals, and other friends more than enough, so that the other prisoners inside fared sumptuously. And next morning he awoke and washed, eat a good breakfast, and, about eleven o'clock, the mighty General sent for him to his headquarters. And upon going in, he found many Israelites and Christian friends. And the General remarked: "Have you reflected, sir?" "I have, General!" "Will you take the oath?" "I cannot." "Will you sign a parole?" "I will." "Can you give good bonds?" "I can, for a million if necessary." "Then take this note to Capt. Williams, Provost Marshal, and give bonds for twenty thousand dollars for good behavior and appearance when required, and you are at liberty." Of course, I went quick, and I, Happick, H.M. Lusher, B.M. Warner, and others went on my bond, and I was at liberty once more. You may rest assured I rejoiced, as none know what liberty is until deprived of same. Hence 'tis so little appreciated.

9.

And after a time, at a meeting of "Angevona" Lodge, I came in contact and was formally introduced by Capt. Wright of the Twenty-fifth Indiana Volunteers, who was then in charge of the Block during my incarceration, to "Brother Stephen A. Hurlbut"; and I then recalled to his mind his conversation and that of General Thurston with me, his language, and treatment. I was then his "equal," and he regretted exceedingly my feelings were hurt. He was mistaken in the man, but 'twas war times and often innocent people had to suffer with the guilty. "Why did you not tell me you were a Mason?" said he. "Because, General, I do not make a profession out of that art." "Well," said he, "you are the first man I have met since in command that either did not wear a sign or make one." I met him frequently afterwards, and he was always disposed to be friendly.

10.

For months after, I was kept reporting to Capt. Williams, then Col. J.L. Geddes, then Melancthon Smith, then Wager Swayne, who dismissed me because they could not even find a paper against me. but 'twas a terrible annoyance to report daily and oft times stand from 9 till 2 until an audience was granted and then sent off to "report tomorrow." But, thank God, I outlived even that.

11.

There is one more incident I must record here as a reminiscence of the war. My old partner, A.S. Levy, was a prisoner at Johnson's Island, captured at Island No. 10, Mississippi River. After a long time an exchange was agreed upon, and I received advice he would be on the "Choutaux." I went to Fort Pickering, the headquarters of General T. Sherman, and being introduced by B.D. Nabors, a then strong Union man, I informed the General my mission to him was to receive a pass for a little child to see his father on the "Pierre Choutaux." "What's his father doing on the Choutaux," asked the General. "He is a prisoner," said I. "Ah, a prisoner. He must be a d--n Rebel, then." "No, sir." "I will give no pass. The child is better dead than have a rebel father." After this elegant remark, he pointed to the door of the tent which was open. Of course, I retired with a very poor opinion of General Sherman's kind feelings. I walked to the river with the child and presently the fleet came in sight. And at the same time, Sam P. Walker and D.M. Leatherman came to me and asked me to get them a yawl and a man to pull them out in the stream. I succeeded in doing so and put the child Henry Levy in the boat and jumped in myself, took an oar, and started for the "Choutaux," whose guardrails were lined with a thousand Tennessee Boys in gray. I placed Henry on deck and jumped aboard myself. The yawl pulled off to the other steamer. The guards asked for my pass, of course. I felt for it and told him I had forgotten it, as Mr. Walker had the pass for the party. This looked feasible to the guard, as they knew Walker's boys were with the fleet. thus I accomplished, by strategy, what could not be done by fair means. afterwards the boats went to Wolf river to coal, and many went home to see their families and friends but returned the next day to their prison to be honorably exchanged.